Yeah, this just happened ... !

Crowd control

Astronomers freaking out, again. There's a reason, you know. You wouldn't want everything running into each other and eventually imploding, right? I've got one of those duds in my basement now. I've no idea how to turn it off! Boom - a Big Bang - then it stretches so far before it starts collapsing in on itself - then - Boom! - and the whole thing starts all over, again. There's no ESC button. It's very annoying.
So, deal with it. The main problem anyone left at the end will deal with be the how to forestall the inevitability of heat death.

IT'S LIKE I'M PREACHING TO THE MONKEYS

The Vatican is sponsoring a five day conference to mark the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species.

Believe, I hate repeating myself, somebody please direct these balding hominids to this link, I think that will clear things up for everybody, okay.

By the way, I think it is perfectly okay if some of you want to attempt to re-introduce what you call Neanderthals back into the mix. Actually, if you bring them back, they would do quite well living amongst you, they might even surprise you.

Housekeeping

Stop getting your knickers in a twist everybody, I'm just doing a little housekeeping, cleaning out the old, blobby, uninteresting universes, and moving this universe to a more prominent area of display.

That effect you're worried about? Let's call it static electricity, as the cat walks by, OK?

Stop praying to your mother, beret guy, she belongs to the stars and beyond, believe me ...

NOW AND AGAIN, I WISH I DID INVENT HELL

Here is a primary example :




Once again people, none of you speak for me or represent me . Technically, both candidates are liars. No punishment from me, but karma is part of the program, so I'm sure the universe that you are part of will introduce some kind of divine retributions.

As William Shakespeare wrote,

A plague on both your houses!"

More on the dud

Many have written, asking about my latest failed universe. That is more considerate than praying it in and I thank all of you for that. I was going to provide a screenshot, then I toyed with the idea to implant the image into the heads of those inquiring minds, but even mirroring the image of an entire failed universe unto a lesser consciousness can render such a minuscule process to a gibbering dribble dispenser, just because of the enormity of the thing and the size of the being in relation to it.

So.

Imagine, if you will, the blackest black that you can ever imagine. I mean a black so black, nothing shiny or reflective, we're talking void. That is a black hole - that's not what happened. What happened was the complete opposite. It's called a white hole. No, not that. Listen up fellows, I'm Almighty God, I made The Universe, have you heard of it? When a black hole happens, it's just matter and energy reverting to the state they existed before my pinky finger slammed down on the ENTER key.

The Universe, or your universe, is all about inflation. There is this infinitesimal amount of energy that expanded like the biggest nuclear explosion to happen within its own void. The energy then re-organized itself, becoming different types of mass, becoming energy again, then mass, it's trying to get back to it's original form. Black holes are actually part of a FOR ... NEXT loop I wrote. All matter, light, etcetera, that escapes the Universe and falls inside, reverting back to its original form, goes back to beginning of the Universe, and is recycled again.

Back to a White Hole. Actually, one may call it a "white universe". What happens is the Universe expands BUT it doesn't turn into anything interesting. It's one uninteresting soupy mess that has no depth, no color, just an uninteresting huge bag of hot nothing. Just sits there in your living room den like a lumpy bag of overcooked grits. Off to the basement!

Another dud for the basement

I lot of people are breathing a sigh of relief because the LHC went pffft, believing it was going to eventually create a black hole powerful enough to swallow up the Earth. I had to laugh. Many are patting themselves on the back because they "prayed" especially hard for me to intervene, an attitude which I find more irritating than comical. One, I was not listening to their prayers, I never listen to ANYBODY'S prayers, two, even if I did listen to their prayers and "intervened", they're walking around cock of the walk like they're actually responsible for what had happened, totally unhumble, full of themselves, proud they had "saved" the world. I AM NOT MANIPULATED BY ANYONE. DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR ASKING FOR HELP (especially help that was not needed or necessary), YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING!

On a lighter note, I completed my new Universe project, switched it on ...pffft! Another dud for the basement.

THE EARTH IS GONNA' BE FINE

However, if you insist on believing this your last night on Earth ...

Where am I?

HEY! Leave me out of this, I'm not superman! Complaint department is here, okay? This is your mess, I'm not the maid!

Closer To The Truth Than You May Think (Or Want To Believe)

OK, most religions got started by a bunch of people under the influence of mind altering chemicals. Later on, aspects of what later came to be known as totalitarianism came creeping in. This was perfected to a certain degree by those wacky peoples of the Fertile Crescent, especially those Ur-descendant nomads known as the Hebrews. Combine drugs with fascists and what do you get? Read on:

Moses Takes 'Shrooms, Shits Out Ten Commandments

The Accomplishment:

There's plenty of controversy surrounding certain parts of the Bible, (where are the dinosaurs?), but most can agree that the Ten Commandments make some good points: killing is wrong, stealing is wrong, and weekends are for sleeping.

When the whole world was presumably murdering whoever they wanted and coveting the shit out of anything that crossed their paths, Moses was the one who God deemed suitable enough to pass his commandments onto. So, one day in... Biblical times, an audience gathered and politely waited while Moses met with God on the top of Mount Sinai to discuss the rules that we still use today, (or are, at the very least, aware of).

The Drug:

Mushrooms.

Drugs weren't invented yesterday, you know. In fact, they grow right up out of the ground, all on their own. The area surrounding Mt Sinai, for example, was home to two common psychedelic drugs and, according to a 2008 Time and Mind article written by Benny Shanon, a professor at Jerusalem's Hebrew University, psychedelic mushrooms and other mind-altering substances played a huge role in the religious rites of Israelites during Biblical times.

While it would be irresponsible of us to assume Moses was drugged up based solely on the fact that drugs were both acceptable and available at the time, Professor Shanon maintains that the scene described in Exodus, (involving blaring trumpets, bright lighting and thunder), fits the "classic imaginings of people on drugs" and further that "the seeing of light [that occurs in hallucinations] is accompanied by profound religious and spiritual feelings."

Why It Makes Sense:

The evidence isn't completely conclusive, but a closer look at our choices leads to a fairly obvious answer. Either:

1. God visited Moses and decided that he was the perfect spokesman for his commandments, (despite Moses's total lack of previous experience in the supernatural-commandment-liaison department), and all of Moses's friends and family believed him when he said "God spoke to me" and instantly stopped coveting shit.

Or

2. A group of extremely bored Israelites ate a bunch of easily-accessible mushrooms and imagined a bunch of crazy shit.

"Is anybody else freaking out a little bit?"

It was thousands of years ago. No Internet, no TV. There wasn't much to do other than eat plants, particularly when those plants led to conversations with God. It doesn't take a college professor to figure this one out, (although, technically, it did this time).

Still, this is a pretty huge deal. Everyone wants to say how dangerous it is to use psychedelic drugs, but Moses takes a few and comes up with a set of morally sound rules that have held up for thousands of years and, for some, serves as a reason not to murder the guy in front of you who's taking an annoyingly long time at the ATM.

Before You Go Trying It...

There's a really good chance that eating random mushrooms you find on the ground will kill your ass.

Also, we don't think we're speaking out of turn here when we point out how sloppy and half-assed the Ten Commandments are. If you're going to create a system of unchangeable rules meant to govern large groups of people, you might want to think "manual" instead of a "grocery list."

"We should be good with just this, right guys?"

Something with a FAQ page at least. "What about murdering in self defense? And what if your neighbor's wife is really hot? Do two Commandments cancel each other out? Can I murder my hot neighbor's stupid husband?"

Like most stoners (take for instance the ones in Pineapple Express, a movie you should totally see), Moses was probably too lazy to do all that extra work so he just sort of summarized, but the rest of us can agree that it would've been nice to have those answers.

This article completely lifted from Cracked.com website at http://www.cracked.com/article_16532_p2.html

And not to put too fina point on this point let's let the late Mister George Carlin have the last word shall, we?

More on the New Universe Project

It's taking more of my time than I thought it would. I decided it is going to exist side by side with the current Universe. I've got room, so I'm not worried about each one bumping into each other. SF fanbois, forget it, neither universe is going to be able to detect each other. It's part of the design. Like you.

The End Of The World Is Not Coming ... Soon

This must be a huge disappointment, especially to those people that opposed this. It's not in the cards people. You're more in danger of killing yourselves than destroying an entire planet or creating a black hole big enough to swallow a planet. In the days to come, it may in fact seem like the end of days. Things will get tough for your species, I mean, really tough, we're talking half the population turning to fertilizer. Earth will be just fine, it's a tough piece of rock, it's going to be around much longer than you will (don't worry too much, you are sure to last about 500,000 to one million years). In fact, it'll support all types of life after your species burns out. And you'll get by the upcoming disaster, as a species. Just do me a favor.
Remember.
Don't pray or curse me.
Invoke the Universe, okay?

The story of Sa'ul Part Three (Recovery)

(cont'd)
The Galilean henchmen quenched poor Sa'ul's thirst, dressed his wounds, fed him, constructed a canvas sling with a tent-like structure upon it to protect Sa'ul from the hot sun, then moved on to Damascus. They rebuffed inquiries from strangers along the way who was in the stretcher. They entered towns in the evening, stayed only at domiciles where the households asked no questions of them but supplied them with beds and provisions, and left before the dawn. Phillip The Hellene knew of a fellow Hellene in Damascus named Ananias who was purported to be schooled in the medical arts. Upon arrival at Damascus and at Ananias's domicile, Sa'ul rested and recuperated, and thought deeply but pragmatically of his adventures, travails and misfortunes. During his recuperation under Ananias's care, he had his Galileans bring any and all news of the followers of the new Jewish Messianic sect and discovered there were, lo, many,many such sects, each with their own story of a Messiah, some dating back more than a century. Sa'ul took to collecting, and writing down all these tales. In the weeks that followed, Sa'ul decided to embrace his former enemies, then take revenge, first you join them, then beat them at their own game.

(more to come, in my good time)

The Bastard Fairies

Listen to them and decide for yourselves.

Progress on the new universe project

Hmmmm, this new universe I'm working on will certainly be different. I've improved the agents that supervise the entire program, removed a few bugs from the evolution subroutine in the life code, there should be fewer "black holes", not that there's anything wrong with them, instead when a star nears it final days, so to speak, it will collapse into a diamond about the size what you call Jupiter. That's my goal anyway, I keep getting supernovae, neutrinos, hydrogen gas, carbon dust and pure gold nuggets the size of baleen whales. Good thing I have a large basement.

Fry & Lewis think they have me pegged

Somebody is paying too much attention, nevertheless I am amused.

The story of Sa'ul Part Part Two (travels)

(continued)
Sa'ul sold his possessions, purchased a berth on a trading ship, endured an eventless passage to Tyre, disembarked, gained a place on an armed merchant caravan . At Ceasarea Phillipi, he left the caravan, followed the river south by himself to the once great Lake Semechimitis, rested at its shores and hired the services of some local fishermen to be his companions and bodyguards. They took their boats, sailed across the lake further south, down the river, to The Sea Of Galilee to the city of Capernum. During their stay, they learned the stories coming up from Jerusalem of the fate of one Nazarene, named Yeshua ben Yosef.

Yes, I know, this is all a rather ho-hum, laundry list of places.
Tell you what, I'll skip the biblical listing travelogue and get to the meat of the story.

Eventually Sa'ul and his party meet up with King Herod and local Pharisees, and he learns of the "troubles" they're having with a new sect of troublesome Jews and Gentiles that was led by a recently crucified Nazarene. Sa'ul and his crew pledge to round up and eliminate the troublemakers. They skulk around, hire spies, bust heads, torture and kill a few innocents, all to impress Herod and the Pharisees, and prove he's worthy to marry Adi, the King's daughter. Herod is impressed, but since Sa'ul is still some petite bourgeois from Tarsus, the best the King can offer is a commission and arrange a meet between Adi and Sa'ul. A party is held in Sa'ul's honor, for his accomplishments in "ridding" the troublesome sect. Adi meets Sa'ul, and spurns him big time. This hurts Sa'ul, ego-wise, and he sees no reason to stick around, and decides to try his luck in Syria, leaves his own party and goes it alone on the road to Damascus. Bad move.

Several hours after he's left the party, his entourage of Galilean thugs sober up enough to notice he's gone. They panic, and try to ascertain his whereabouts. Sa'ul's enemies get wind of the situation and plan to ambush him. They disguise themselves as a caravan, find Sa'ul and offer him sanctuary of their company. Sa'ul agrees and travels to Damascus with the caravan. After a long uneventful journey, several miles outside of Ceasarea Phillipi, the caravan reveals themselves as kinsmen of the people Sa'ul's gang had tortured and killed and accused as followers of the Nazarene Messiah. They beat him mercilessly, robbed him and stripped him of his clothes and left him to die. Sa'ul's pals discover him three days later, barely alive and delirious from thirst, his eyelids sealed shut from the beating.

(to be continued ... very soon)

No apologies

I've been noodling around on the ol' command line interface, I think I've got another universe in the making. That's why long pause since January.

The story of Sa'ul Part One

Once upon a time in the province of Tarsus was a charming non-practicing Hellenistic Jew named Sa'ul. Sa'ul was a social climber. He craved to be in like Flynn. He curried favor from his neighbors, the Romans, the Greeks, the Gauls in Galatia, the tax collectors, the fish merchants, the salt merchants, the usurers and the wine merchants. He ate what he liked, whenever he liked. He gave lip service to the local synagogue and the Roman oracle and received their favor and kind words through generous donations.

Sa'ul heard from a seafarer that a Jewish King named Herod had an unmarried daughter, her name was Adi (for some reason, she is popularly known as to you all as Salome), and Herod was looking for a suitor. Sa'ul did not have much to offer in riches, and his Greek and Roman connections were confined to his own small corner of the world, but he did have chutzpah, in spades. Sa'ul decided he would depart Tarsus, see this King Herod, curry his favor and secure the hand of the fair Adi.

Spinning around a star - whoopee

As many prepare to mark time celebrating another trip spinning around a star which is swirling through the outer edge of a galaxy, remember this: disaster always looms. Accept this. Do not dwell. No matter how you prepare, it is inevitable. How you face impending doom is entirely your own affair. To me, disaster is another soupy miasma cluttering up the file cabinet behind the water closet. For you, it may be far more consequential. Existence is bad enough without worrying about the end. There is no such thing as forever or infinite in your universe. Everything winds down, eventually. You do not have the math or the scale.

A mere suggestion:
A plan to live - respect yourself, respect others, respect your surroundings.
But it is not written in stone.

If you must have faith and if you gotta' pray

I do not like to noodle with Universes while they are running because it cocks up the programming. One misplaced integer, a vibrating string in the wrong place, an element that shouldn't have happened, not even for the tiniest fraction of existence, and you have a soupy gassy mess cluttering up your den. This Universe is my best creation, but any intervention on my part, well, it may turn out to be, "it was nice while it lasted".


I am going to impart a gift to many of you. Many already know and do this. I am going to fill in the rest of you. It is a way to ask for help without invoking my name when you do not have faith in your own self. Call on The Universe. You are part of The Universe not separate or a better part. Channel the vibrations that run the program. Hum, throat-sing, pray, fart, cluck your tongue, knock together bottles and cans - but leave me out. When you are in tune with all the other strings, the experience is beyond elegance, it is ... true rapture.

Do not talk to me

When you invoke my name, it is like dialing me up while I am in the bath. It is annoying. I would like atheists even more if some did not carelessly invoke my name as an epithet. In fact, please everyone, forget my name, try.
I am not going to induce mass amnesia.
Forget about me totally for one orbit around your star, please. Concentrate on taking responsibility for yourselves and your actions.

I am lazy

I would like to say a few words about evolution to those people who believe I molded their ancestors out of mud and a rib bone six thousand years ago:
Evolution - one of my ideas - I am lazy - can you tell?

Was I surprised when your species out-maneuvered ice ages, the saber-toothed tigers and the Neanderthals! Well, you have not been around very long, but you are progressing at a very rapid rate. If you do not poison the nest too much, I would say you have another million years. Do not expect to become intergalactic space-monkeys, odds are you will stay within the vicinity of your star then disappear. It is part of the programming.
Accept it.

Truthfully, when I created The Universe, I wanted to do it with the least amount of effort on my part. I had to tweak this, hone that, pare away a few commands until I felt I had something elegant and beautiful that would unfold and happen on its own without any micro-managing on my part, else it would all become a huge soupy mess. Believe me, I have a lot of these failed Universes cluttering up my basement den at the moment. Anyway, evolution is one of the sub-routines I included whenever conditions are favorable.
Accept it.

A word about F A I T H

Recently, someone publicly stated that they believed I would not allow harm to befall her; I would protect her from her enemies; I would not allow her to die; her last word, pleading, within and without, was one of my many "names".
Bad plan of action.
Do not place your eggs in one basket by gambling on faith.
Faith is, has always been and will always be a crapshoot. Do not bet I will intervene, because I am not interested - and there are not any other deities hanging around to do the job - pity.
Note to humanity: I will not protect you from your enemies nor shall I smite your enemies. Your business is your business, mine is mine.
Leave me out of your petty concerns.

Clearing up a few things

A few days ago, many of you celebrated the purported birthday of a fellow being of yours (quite a few of you will celebrate his purported birthday eleven days later) who supposedly has very close ties to me. Allow me to clear up a few things. Ah, but where do I begin? Okay, everything you know about the Nazarene, Yeshua ben Yosef, is wrong, wrong, wrong. The tale of Yeshua and his teachings originated with Ya'aqob, a very devoted follower and friend of Yeshua; he was usurped and his teachings about Yeshua were corrupted for the selfish twisted purposes of one Sa'ul HaTarsi, an ambitious Hellenistic Jewish carpetbagger from Tarsos and his Galilean henchmen, the brothers bar Yona, Shimon and Andrew, also Philip the Hellene and Ya'aqob bar Zebedee.

Let me tell you that an exponential amount of cruft has been built up around Yeshua and those who purported to expound his teachings over the many hundreds of years. In future postings, I will cut away chaff concerning Yeshua and tell you the true story about Sa'ul.

Let me add: Muhammed and Joseph Smith are very much of the same cloth, i.e opportunistic charlatans.

Also:I found people who created and believed in imaginary multiple gods more interesting and far more intelligent and creative than monotheists. It's like people who solve problems by breaking them down into smaller manageable components. Eventually, the monotheists prevailed in many places. Shame.

I like atheists, they do not bother me at all. They go about their business and I go about mine. I have decided that agnostic theists are the only beings who will own up that nobody knows me or my nature and trying to nail me down is impossible, silly, stupid and a waste of time. Yet, I find these people to be absolute twerps. I'll explain myself, all in good time.

This, I will also say:
Nobody represents me on Earth or anywhere else in the Universe. I speak for myself. I do not speak through other beings or inanimate objects.
I never had any progeny of any kind nor bred any beings nor preferred one tribe or brood or species to another.
Goodness, badness, sinfulness, holiness ... your relative concepts, not mine.
I never asked anybody to worship me, think about me, demanded any sacrifice, wished anyone dead nor commanded anyone to kill anyone else or anything.
The only request I have ever made is I do not like anyone invoking me for anything. The one warning I ever gave to anybody (not a rule, not a law, but a warning, i.e. do this one thing, and there may be consequences) is don't claim to represent me to justify your actions or you will suffer the consequences. Now, I won't stop the program and intervene ... I created and implemented what one would call an "Agent Mister Smith" to do that for me. They are not perfect. Some are rogue. I am lazy. I am not going to debug this Universe because you feel like the allegorical Job (made up story, but I like that one).

I N T R O D U C T I O N S

G R E E T I N G S ! ! ! ! !

Y O U
D O
N O T
K N O W
M E ! ! ! ! !
N O
O N E
D O E S . . . . .
B U T
M A N Y
O F
Y O U
C L A I M
T O
H A V E
A
D E E P
P E R S O N A L
R E L A T I O N S H I P
W I T H M E . . . . .
M A N Y
C L A I M
T O
S P E A K
A N D
A C T
I N
M Y
N A M E . . . . .


S T O P T H A T , R I G H T N O W ! ! !

The reason I am communicating through this medium is that the vast majority of you would get as spooked as sheep or field mice if I appeared as some vast global wide manifestation. No doubt you all would start acting in various shades of hysteria, start worshiping me, fawning, begging forgiveness for transgressions , etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. That is not why I am here. Nor why I am getting your attention.

There will be more in the following days. Go about your business. Look in now and again. Talk about what I say amongst yourselves, share with friends, neighbors acquaintances, enemies, strangers, you get the idea.